Proof reading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say?  
 
 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.   

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny. 

  -----------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
      No crap, really? Ya think? 
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  
       Now that's taking things a bit far! 
  ----------------------------------------------------------- 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  
       What a guy!   
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
 No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
  ---------------------------------------------------------- 
War Dims Hope for Peace  
 I can see where it might have that effect! 
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 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
   Ya think?! 
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  
      Who would have thought! 
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Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
They may be on to something! 
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  
  ---------------------------------------------------------- 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  
     He probably IS the battery charge! 
----------------------------------------------  
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
Weren't they fat enough?! 
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
 -------------------------------------------------  
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  
       Do they taste like chicken?
**************************************** 
 Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
 *************************************************** 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  
       Boy, are they tall! 
 *******************************************  
And the winner is....  
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  
  
     Did I read that right? 

*************************************************** 










While I sat in the reception  area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled  an
elderly man in a  wheelchair into the room. As she went to the
receptionist's  desk, the  man sat there, alone and silent.   


             

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his
mother's lap and  walked over  to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the  man's,
he said,'I know how you  feel. My mom makes me ride in the  stroller too.'.*
     ------------------
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. 
Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of 
questions about what I was doing.  After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 
'My mom has some of those,  but I  don't think she  knows how to use them.' 
--------------------        
Out  bicycling one day with  my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, got a
little wistful. 'In ten  years,' I said, 'you'll want to be  with your friends
and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me  like you do  now. Carolyn
shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to  do  all those things anyway.'
------------
Working as a pediatric  nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving
immunization shots to  children. One day I entered the examining room to
give four-year-old  Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she  screamed.  'Lizzie,' 
scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With  that, the girl yelled 
even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you! 
------------------
On  the way back from a Cub  Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the
question. 'Dad, I know  that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how
do they  get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my
son  hemmed and  hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust.
'You  don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know
the  answer.' 
----------------------------
Just  before I was deployed  to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and
broke the news to him. 'I'm  going to be away for a long time,' I  told him.
'I'm  going to Iraq .'  'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over
there?' 
------------
Paul  Newman founded the Hole  in the Wall Gang Camp for children  stricken with
cancer, AIDS and  blood diseases. One afternoon he and his  wife, Joanne
Woodward,  stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A  counselor  at a nearby
table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know  that Newman was a famous
movie star, explained, 'That's the man who  made  this camp possible.  Maybe
you've seen his picture on his salad dressing  bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well,
you've probably seen his face on his  lemonade  carton.'  An eight-year-old girl
perked up. 'How long was he  missing?' 
--------------------
God's Problem Now. His  wife's grave side service was just barely finished,
when there was  a  massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
lightning,  accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The  little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,
she's there. 
-------------------------


                  
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 
'I almost had an affair with another woman..' 
 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 
 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' 
 
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that 
woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 
 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 
 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 
 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put 
any money in the poor box!' 

 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, 
that's the same as putting it in!' 
    --------------------
 
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how 
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
 
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
 




'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. 
----------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 
1. The DNA all matches. 
2. There are no dental records.... 
----------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the 
Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't 
like the looks of your wife at all.'
 

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 
       'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
 ---------------------------------------------------
 

Riding the train              




      






Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game. 
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three 
women buy just one ticket.
 
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one 
of the men.
 
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
 
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats. 
But all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
 
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around 
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 
'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm 
emerges with a ticket in hand.
 
The conductor takes it and moves on.
 
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea. 
So, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip 
and save some money.
 
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip 
but see To their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!
 
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.
 
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
 
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet,
 and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.
 
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet
and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. 


  


She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.'
 
  
A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR


 

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length 
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, 
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
  
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
  
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 
'Americans are so rude.  My little Fifi is using that seat.'
  
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under 
that dog.  'Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired.
  
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
  
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, 
threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
  
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American 
should be put in his place!'
  
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem 
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

 
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of 
the road.  

 
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window. 
   
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