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October 27, 2007
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ENJOY
=====================================
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because
he can't place
where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To
which she replies, "I think you're the father of one
of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has
ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God,
are you the
stripper from my bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet
celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm
your son's teacher."
=============================
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring. He replies,"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do ab out that. #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic."
"Ok" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
"My dear child," said the nun. "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish"
The nun says, "That's ok. My name is Mike and I'm going to a Halloween party."
-----------------------------
HALLOWEEN PARTY
A couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awoke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away.
She was sitting up reading when her husband came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life!!"
=============================
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
======================
There was a man who had worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a real "miser" when it came to his money. He never bought his wife anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black. Her life-long friend Mildred was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Mildred said "Woman..I know you're not fool enough to put all that money in there with him!"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with that cheap fool who left you nothing?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it!"
================================
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don't love you with all they have.
Jim and Karen were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Karen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Karen's heroic act, she immediately ordered Karen to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Karen to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Karen the news she said, "Karen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
"Karen replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
============================
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
-----------------------
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
-----------------------------------------------
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
---------------------------------------
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
------------------------------------------
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
-------------------
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
---------------
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
-----------------
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
--------------
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"
-----------------
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
===========================
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
====================
Hotel Bill...
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Los Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only
made out for $50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.
================
The Husband Store
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a
New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
=======================
September 28, 2007
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ENJOY
=====================================
Pa won't like it!
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.
"Hey Chris," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell....its late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."
"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Chris replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Chris thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better
Now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."
===========================
A really bad day
I had a really bad day when I inadvertently rear ended a van.
When we pulled over and got out, imagine my surprise when I discovered that the other driver was a dwarf.
As he approached with a sour look on his face, he looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!"
I couldn't help myself. I asked him, "Well then, which one are you?"
That's when the fight started...
=================
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then? ....." he said with a deep sigh,
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation,... no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......"Screw the Preacher!"
=================
The Joy of Being Retired
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi ." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care.
I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
====================
POLISH DIVORCE
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland.
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore, and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."
==================
TALKING DOG
A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer)
===================
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your
daughter
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
====================
"Famous" Quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
================
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan "
--A. Whitney Brown
17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
18) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
19) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields
======================
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!!
==================
September 20, 2007
Previous Posts will follow after the end of this one
Just keep scrolling
ENJOY
=====================================
Click here The Cars we Drove In The 50s & 60s
================================
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the isle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you
could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."
=========================
Original Computer
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
. . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!
==========================
AN ELDERLY COUPLE
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it
was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old
gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his
g lasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Was that one word or two?"
==================
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread."
======================
THIS IS TOO CUTE FOR WORDS!
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
==============================
Support Desk: Customer Support, may I help you?
Caller: Yes you can. The cup holder on my computer has broken and I need it replaced.
Support Desk: Cup holder?
Caller: Yes, the cup holder.
Support Desk: Are you sure you purchased your computer from us?
Caller: Of course I did.
Support Desk: I’m sorry ma’am but our computer doesn’t come with a cup holder.
Caller: Yes, it does! I have been using it every morning. This morning when I put my cup in it broke.
Support Desk: Ma’am. Where is it located?
Caller: On the front. It comes out when I push the button.
Support Desk: Ma’am, that is the CD holder.
=====================
The Negligee
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Once upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well not be there. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked. I'll return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed casket.
==================================
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to re ad her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing . . . I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
=======================
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
=====================================
September 15, 2007
Previous Posts will follow after the end of this one
Just keep scrolling
ENJOY
================================================
Click thi slink, it is really funny:
http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=67160&fr=yvmtf
===========================================
Things made from scotch tape,
Click this link and you will interesting stuff.
http://obscenelybored.com/photos/thingsmadefromscotchtape/pictures_rss.aspx
Check this out.... google will be offering free wireless.....
Great. Goodbye optonline!
http://www.google.com/tisp/install.html
=======================================================
Carolyn S. sends this along. It is not a westie, but it is just too much! Have fun.
TYPE IN a command and see what happens... sit, roll over, down, stand, sing,
dance, shake, fetch, play dead etc. and...it's also very cute if you type in a
command that's not recognized...!!
Make sure you type in "Kiss" too, but do it last.
Click here: I Do Dog Tricks
======================================
This is REALLY something to think about - funny but true
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty.
Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the G.I. insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of G.I. insurance. This was odd, odd, because it would cost these low income recruits $30 more for the higher coverage.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques, but would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said:
"If you got da 'normal' GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da supplemental inshoranse which cost you only t'irty dolla a mont, den da governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000"
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq furst?"
===========================================
An old lady dies and goes to Heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that" says St. Peter "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God" says the old lady "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry" says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this" says the old lady, "I'm going to Hell."
"You can't go there" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of."
"Maybe so" says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that."
==================================================
|
Three women go down to Mexico one night to Celebrate college graduation,
get drunk, and wake up in Jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the
morning, though none of them can Remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she
has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and
believe in the
Almighty Power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the
floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just
graduated from the Harvard School Of Law and I believe in the power of
justice to intervene on the part of "The innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately
fall to their knees, beg for Forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from
the University of Alabama and just Graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if
you don't plug This Thing in!
|
==============================================
The Blind Bunny Story
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped
over a large snake and fell, kerplop, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you,
but I'm blind and can't see."
"That'ssssss perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sssssure, it was my
fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't ssssssssee you coming.
By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.
Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over,
and he said, "Well, you're ssssssoft, and cuddly, and you have long sssssilky ears,
and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nossssse. You must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny said, " I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal
are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine
him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,
"Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold,
you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls ...You must be a Democrat!"
================================================
Cowboy
A lady went into a bar in Waco, Texas, and saw a cowboy with his feet propped
up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet
are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.
=============================
Can you answer this riddle?
Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey . See if you can guess the
riddle at the end.
Paul Harvey Writes:
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse.
For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice
cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by
being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog
put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's
all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants
to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along,
I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a
town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to
drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as
your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of
buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in
your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl,
and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what Ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick
your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers
you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go
fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your
neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas
time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and
happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.
Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before
you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors,
but by doing them.
NOW …… the Paul Harvey RIDDLE:
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to
17% of Stanford University seniors.
What is:
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?
NOTHING
========================================
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, " Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got
on the bus, I couldn't help noticing her condition. She sat under a sweets
sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"... I just
lost it."
CASE DISMISSED
======================================
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband
that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so,
he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper
and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the
mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
========================================
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth (need I say more). One of my
sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother
have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially
dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville
for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.
My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his
three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview.
She is a part time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this. I love
my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
==============================================
The Almost Perfect Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola - and was
in line for the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog... DUH!
I was feeling a bit bitchy; so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
"The Purina Diet again", although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time; but that I'd lost 50 pounds, before I
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and I.V.'s in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I really had a live one here, so...
I went on again with the bogus diet story, and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet, and that the way it
works is to load your pockets and purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me, and was
that why I ended up in the hospital? I said "no...I was sitting in the
street licking my butt when I got hit by a car." I thought the tall guy
was going to have to be carried out the door!
Needless to say, I was in a much better mood for the rest of the day . . .
===========================================
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car
and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not
contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his
mother, 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt.
Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.' At this point Mommy cut
him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you
save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face
when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table,
Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing
the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army.
Mommy fainted!
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:
Sometimes you need to listen to the
whole story before you interrupt.
----------------------------------------------------------
NEW SUPERMARKET
The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the
produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and
the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent
of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is
filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more ....
-------------------------------
Subject: So True!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug
of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the
buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the
counter and says to the waiter. "Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and
proudly says:
"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot
the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
======================
When I'm 100, if I lean a little, LET ME !!!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes
when
She needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right,
So some family members grabbed her, straightened her up,
And stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left,
So again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
And then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said,
"Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson. .
"They won't let me fart."
=========================================
An elderly man in Florida, owned a big farm and he had a large pond in the back
with a cabana, dock and swimming platform. He had a few picnic tables scattered
around under some of his apple and peach trees for family gatherings. Because
he was getting up there in years, he rarely went back there and did not have a
family gathering in years.
One hot summer afternoon, he decided to take a walk back there to pick some
apples and peaches, as he had not been back there in a very long time.
He grabbed his 5 gallon bucket to collect his fruit and walked towards the pond.
As he walked closer to the pond area, he could hear giggling and splashing.
Upon approaching the pond, he recognized about 10 young women, ranging from
late teens to early 20’s, all skinny dipping in his pond. He figured they probably
lived nearby and came from the fields behind his property.
They were having such a great time, totally unaware that he was standing there
watching them all playing bare naked. He cleared his throat to draw their
attention to his presence. They shrieked and quickly swam to the deep
end of the pond.
One of the younger gals was outspoken and yelled at him.
“what are you doing here,??!!!! GO AWAY you pervert !!!”
He gently replied, “Young lady, this is my property, not yours.”
She quickly replied, “Well, we're not coming out until you leave!"
As the women kept themselves up to their neck in water to cover themselves,
he answered, "I didn't come down here to look at your naked bodies,
I just came to feed the alligator who lives in this pond.”
In a split second, all the women came flying out of the pond running in
different directions as he smiled, “It’s amazing what I can do with this bucket.”
=======================================================
A baseball Joke.
Two guys go to a baseball game, Seated right in front of them, are two nuns
with ,of, course their habits on. The guys can't see over the habits,veils).
Instead of asking the nuns to move they decide to annoy them into moving.
One guy says, "Why don't we move to France ,there are only 500 nuns there"?
His buddy says, "Why don't we move to Italy, there are only 250 nuns there"?
One of the two nuns turns around and says to both of the guys. "Why don't you
both go to hell, there are no nuns down there"?
==================================================
Puns
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
“Well, ‘It's Not Unusual.’"
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said,
"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him … A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
=======================================
Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you
ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if
I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you
ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy
says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm
Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies,
"Because you're in Home Depot."
=================================
Jack had been working long, hard hours at the office and was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary which also happened to be Valentines Day last week. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Jack got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box, gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Jack has been missing since Friday
==============================
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand
He bent down to pick it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know
who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you..
" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
===============================
The Differences between Republican & Democrat
A simple lesson illustrating the difference between the two parties:
Fred Thompson and Hillary were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the
homeless person $5.
Now, do you understand the difference?
==========================
LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER .....
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more
children.
She finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, " Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? "
The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
===========================
Picture on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,
hoping to be reassured
No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in a sultry voice, "That's me before the surgery."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 3, 2007
Previous Posts will follow after the end of this one
Just keep scrolling
ENJOY
================================================
A man wanted a job, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a
little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without
using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Withouta numbers," the Italian said. "Datta easy."
He proceeded to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asked. "Have you got no brain?
"Tree and tree and tree makea nine," said the Italian.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he
had just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you g o."
The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each ofa da trees isa dirty now. So, it's a dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Datsa 99."
The boss was getting worried that he was going to have to actually hire this
Italian, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."
The Italian stared into space some more, then picked up the picture again,
made a little mark at the base of each tree and said, "Ere you go. One a
hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
(You're going to love this one!)
The Italian leaned forward, pointed to the marks at the base of each tree
and said, "A little doga comea long and crapa by each a tree. So now you
gotta dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd.
Datta makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"
==========================================
> > Subject: Grandma's boyfriend
>
>
>
> A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
> his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
> said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
> went to heaven?"
>
> Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
> bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
> good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
> boyfriend."
>
> Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
> adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
> she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
>
> The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
> and there stood Grandma's minister.
> The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
> The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging' her
> boyfriend." The minister collapsed.
=====================================
Subject: Italian Pregnancy This is really funny.............
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you?
I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later,
a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey
hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation but I will take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores,
a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account.
If twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this
point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder and tells him, "You try again."
=================================
THE BLONDE PAINTER...
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes
and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband
that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off to work she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work,
she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that
not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was
reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .
You'll love this . .
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
============================
The Hooker
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees
a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars..." she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what
the hell, it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a
light flashes on them . It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife,"
the Newfoundlander answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know.
"Well, neidder did I b'y, til ya shined that light in ‘er face."
====================================
Life and Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the
other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made contact,
"Connie....Connie. ":
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the
golf course, then pretty
much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
================================================
What a Salesman!!!!!!!
A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back in Minnesota", the kid answers.
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him a job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. "
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."
"Just one? That's terrible! Our sales people average twenty to thirty
customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss responds, "$101, 237.65?!
What the heck did you sell?"
The kid answers, "First I sold him a small fishhook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod.
I asked him where he was going fishing and he said 'down the coast,'
so I told him he was going to need a new boat. So we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The incredulous boss said, "A guy comes in here to buy a fishhook and
you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?!'
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife,
and I said 'Dude, your weekend's shot ... you should go fishing!' "
========================================
Operation
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying
on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually
examines her naked body.
He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat.
The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same
examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently,
“These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here
to paint the halls.”
==============================
Mother Teresa and God
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly
Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and
they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa
looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks,
lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she
remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it
was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the
denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious
desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am
grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient
life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of
rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I
just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two
people, it doesn't pay to cook."
==============================
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at
2 in the morning. The
very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said "How should I
know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is
clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One
notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens
it, looks in the mirror and says,
"Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the
first blonde hands her
the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You
dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and
when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her
purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She
takes the gun and puts it
to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of
Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her
she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
Freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she
knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware "
=====================================
Subject: PAN HANDLING WORKS IF YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT SIGN
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of
money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids
to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
----------------------------
> Here's the text of a letter from a Farm Kid
> currently undergoing training at the Marine Corps
> Recruit Depot in San Diego...
>
>
>
>
> Dear Ma and Pa,
>
>
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and
> Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for Old
> Man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
> before all of the places are filled.
>
>
> I was restless at first because you get to stay in
> bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like
> to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
> breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
> No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
> split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
>
>
> Men go to shave, but it's not so bad because
> there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings
> like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but
> kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
> eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt
> and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys
> that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you
> until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
> these city boys can't walk much.
>
>
> We go on 'route marches' which the platoon
> sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he
> thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
> A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at
> home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all
> ride back in trucks.
>
>
> The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant
> is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain
> is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just
> ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
>
>
> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
> I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know
> why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
> and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like
> the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie
> there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even
> load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
>
>
> Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat
> training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I
> have to be real careful though because they break
> real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull
> at home. I'm about the best they got in this except
> for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only
> beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
> I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near
> 300 pounds dry.
>
>
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join
> before other fellers get onto this setup and come
> stampeding in.
>
>
> Your loving daughter,
>
>
> Alice
================================================
> > WAL-MART INTERVIEW
> >
> > A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring some to fill a job opening.
> > After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who
were equally qualified.
> > He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
> > Their answer would determine
> which of them would get the job.
>
> > The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
> > the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
> >
> > Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied,
"A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head.
> There's no warning.
>
> > "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
> > "And, now you sir?", he asked the second man.
>
> > "Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
> > that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
> >
> > "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
> > very popular clich?? for speed." He then turned to the third man,
who was contemplating his reply.
> >
> > "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
> > wall there's a light
> switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light
on the barn
> comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is
the fastest thing I can
> think of."
>
> > The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
> > he had found his
> man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
>
> > Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
>
> > Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's
> > obvious to me that
> the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
>
> > "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
>
> > "Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling
> > so good, and
> I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT,
> I had already shit my pants."
>
> > Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
>
> > You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....
> > you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....
> >
> > Have a good day!!
===============================================
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned
in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," Whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ,"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ,"
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ,"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", Whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," Came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter "Answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
================================================
IDIOT SIGHTING:
Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not
have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and
said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.
Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I was at the airport checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the
company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
___________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself,
and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealer-ship to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
=====================================
Subject: Think before you speak
>
>
>
>
>
> Think before you speak...
> Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
> the last one is great!
> Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
> immediately take the words back...
> or that you could crawl into a hole?
> Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
>
>
> FIRST TESTIMONY:
> I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
> and asked loudly,
> "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
> I turned around and walked back out and never went back
> My husband didn't say a word...
> he knew better.
>
>
> SECOND TESTIMONY:
> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
> I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
> After browsing for several minutes,
> I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
> the store.
> He asked if he could help me.
> Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
> with mens balls"
>
> THIRD TESTIMONY:
> My sister and I were at the mall and
> passed by a store that sold a
> variety of candy and nuts.
> As we were looking at the display case,
> the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
> I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
> My sister started to laugh hysterically.
> The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
> To this day,
> my sister has never let me forget.
>
>
> FOURTH TESTIMONY :
> While in line at the bank one afternoon,
> my toddler decided to release
> some pent-up energy and ran amok.
> I was finally able to grab hold of
> her after receiving looks of disgust
> and annoyance from other patrons.
> I told her that if she did not start behaving
> "right now" she would be punished.
> To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
> threatening,
> "If you don't let me go right now,
> I will tell Grandma that I saw you
> kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
> The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
> Even the tellers s topped what they were doing.
> I mustered up the last of my dignity and
> walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
> The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams
> of laughter.
>
>
> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
> My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
> was on him constantly.
> One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
> It was very busy, with a full dining room.
> While enjoying my taco,
> I smelled something funny,
> so of course I checked
> my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
> The realized that Danny
> had not asked to go potty in a while.
> I asked him if he needed to go,
> and he said "No".
> I kept thinking
> "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
> clothes with me."
> Then I said,
> "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
> "No," he replied.
> I just! KNEW t hat he must have had an accident, because the smell
> was getting worse.
> Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ?
> This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
> bent over, spread his cheeks
> and yelled
> "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
> While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
> he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
> An old couple made me feel better,
> thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
>
> LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
> and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
> in the future, likely think before she speaks.
> What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
> We had a female news anchor that,
> the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
> turned to the weatherman and asked:
> "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
> Not only did HE have to leave the set,
> but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
>
>
> Now, didn't that feel good?
> Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
> and remember
> we all say things we don't really mean,
> so think before you speak
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